There is a very popular saying that I heard more times than I could count as I was growing up in small town Mississippi. “Don’t toss the baby out with the bath water!” The meaning is pretty clear, don’t throw away the good part just because the bath water may be murky, keep the baby! Keep what’s good. It is a saying that has taken on new meaning for me in my thirties and forties. As I muddle through various issues in my life and the lives of those I love and I try to discern what there is in the mess that is not only worth keeping, but worth teaching my own children.

“…was made to inspire and motivate us all to be agents of change in our culture. American youth are being sold the concept that women and girls’ value lies in their youth, beauty, and sexuality. It’s time to break that cycle of mistruth. Miss Representation advocates that ALL people should be equally represented in our media, that our voices should be heard, and that we should be valued for our talents, capacity as leaders, and ability to contribute to the world at large.”

A friend recently introduced me to the work of Brene Brown, a Houston-based researcher that studies women, vulnerability, and shame.  After talking with hundreds and hundreds of women, Brown has concluded that shame is a universal phenomenon.  We’re not talking about guilt here.  Guilt is feeling bad about something specific that we’ve done.  We’re talking about shame, which is feeling bad about something that we are. 

We all feel shame, but we don’t talk about it because we mistakenly believe it will make us feel more ashamed.  In reality, Brown has found that the most effective way of dealing with shame is to talk about it with people we trust.  Shame makes us feel like we aren’t worthy, and the best way to counteract those feelings is to put ourselves in situations that we’re accepted by people exactly as we are.  In other words, we feel better about who we are when we can talk honestly with other people who know us and love us anyway.  The remedy for shame is connection. 

The problem with this is that it’s counter-intuitive to most of us, myself included.  When I feel that I don’t measure up, my first tendency is to try to hide my perceived failings.  I do my best to convince everyone, including myself, that I really do measure up to the unreasonable standard that I’ve set for myself.  Is that crazy?  Yes.  Is that what I do?  Absolutely.

What does it take to change that?  Courage.

We commonly think of courage as a synonym for bravery.  Actually, the word courage comes from the Latin word for heart.  When it came into the English language, it dealt with acting, thinking, and speaking from your heart, not just with taking action in the face of danger. 

Courage is about learning to tell the whole story of who are with your whole heart, not only with your words, but with your actions and priorities and way of being in the world.  There are a hundred reasons not to do this, but most of them come back to one.  Living courageously requires us to be vulnerable. 

As leaders, we’re taught how to be strong and stand up for ourselves.  We’re taught how to advance our agendas to achieve our goals.  We’re taught how to act in order to be perceived as competent and charismatic.  I’m thankful for those lessons.  There’s a time and place for all of those skills.

But what I don’t think we’re always taught is how to be vulnerable.  We’re not taught often enough how to let the whole story of who we are… the parts we want everyone to know and the parts we’d rather stay hidden… influence who we are as leaders.

The truth of the matter is, our stories and experiences already are influencing our leadership.  When I walk into a conversation or meeting or crisis, I’m bringing my life along with me.  I need to learn to do a better job of acknowledging that in ways that are productive and helpful.  I need to learn how to be more honest about how who I am as a human being impacts who I am as a leader.  I think we all do.

I’m not saying that every committee meeting needs to be a group therapy session.  What I’m saying is that we need to be more comfortable in integrating the good and bad parts of all areas of our lives into our leadership strategies.  I’ve been trying to do this intentionally over the past few months. 

Here’s what I’m learning: when I’m brave enough to be honest about who I am, other people are more honest, too. 

As a leader, I am learning that the more open I am, the less suspicion people have about my motives.  Letting people really know me, and working to really know them, builds a foundation for productive conversations about what our common goals are and how we can reach them together.  I’m also able to use my successes and failures at work more productively in the rest of my life now that I’m being more mindful of the fact that no one is successful all the time.  And I can see the people around me–both in my personal life and my professional life–becoming more willing to live courageously, as well.

Now that I’m learning to be intentional about wasting less time and energy on measuring myself against impossible standards, I’m finding I have more to invest in the things that I really care about.  And, ultimately, isn’t that what we all want?

Susan Jones teaches courses on Poverty and Inequality and Women in Society at her alma mater, Judson College. 

As I read a multitude of articles and studies on women in leadership across our state, our country and our world, I am struck over and over again by this very principle in action. Women, who are in positions of leadership, using their power, their influence and their positions to help other women move to a place of opportunity that would not otherwise be available to them. Over and over again, I see the reality borne out in studies that women who are are given positions of leadership, in turn, are more apt to offer those same opportunities to other women. One such study, done by a Washington-based research group focusing on women directors globally says this:

“Does it make a difference if a woman is in charge?  A new study of 112 women CEOs in 39 countries finds that it does.  Top companies led by women have more women directors in board rooms and in executive officer positions…”

These women recognize a need, a need for more women at the table of influence and power, and they make it happen. That is what LEI is all about, as Suzanne Martin writes, “Leading Edge Institute (LEI) develops young women from all over the state to understand the systemic challenges in Alabama and what leadership processes will generate positive social change.”

In thinking about writing this post, my mind kept returning to a incident that happened this week to one of my daughters. I have two daughters and the youngest is mentally handicapped. One of my friends has a daughter the same age. This past week, my friend’s daughter casually recounted a story about ALL of the other girls on my daughter’s flag football team building a ‘protective circle’ around her and moving her down the field so that she could score a touchdown.

They used their power, their position and their influence to create an opportunity for my daughter to do something that she could not do on her own. I was thrilled and I was so very proud of those girls. They saw a need and they worked together to meet that need. My daughter was thrilled with the success of a touchdown and even more, the opportunity to be a part. Her circumstances are quite different than the women that we empower through LEI, but the principle that got her down that little football field is the same – those with power, position and influence chose to create opportunity for others!

LEI is that circle of girls on that playground. LEI has seen a need, banded together and created an environment that allows things to happen for the young women of Alabama that would not otherwise happen. And as a result, our state, our country and I believe our world is becoming a better place for everyone.

Who is inside your circle of power? Are you willing to use your influence and your resources to create opportunities for the young women of Alabama? LEI would love to have you join our circle… and change the state of Alabama for all of our children.

Jorja White lives in Birmingham, Alabama with her family.  She recruits nationally for W by Worth and serves on the Board of Directors of Leading Edge Institute as well as the Special Education Advisory Board of Mountain Brook Schools.

If you knew my friend, you’d know that it took a lot for her to hold her tongue at that moment. But she wanted to see where this discussion took the class. When her professor got around to her to ask her how she felt about the case study, she took her chance to challenge the prevailing view of the female manager’s characterization. She said to the class, “You said you wouldn’t work for the woman in the case study. Would you work for her if she were a man?”

The question cut to the heart of her classmates. One guy commented, with a rather funny expression on his face, that yes, he would work for her if she had been a man. The professor, trying to refocus the class, suggested that typically females in leadership positions suffered from the Queen Bee syndrome, eating all other potential female leaders alive to protect their place of leadership. He proposed that was one of the main reasons why there weren’t more women in the principalship, implying that perhaps female leaders should be more nurturing to get ahead. A third male classmate chimed in and said to my friend, “I’ll bet your principal relies on you to be the nurturing one in your school. He’s probably more like this woman in the case study.”

Now here is where the story gets interesting.

You see, the principal at her school – a big, 6A powerhouse, high-achieving school – is a woman. And she is not a Queen Bee. She is nurturing, but not in the huggy-feely-motherly way. A former math teacher, she is logical and focused, directive and confident, instructive and innovative. And my friend immediately jumped to her defense. “SHE does rely on me to be nurturing, but that’s because being nurturing is an important trait for leaders to have.”

Some of my friend’s classmates were shocked to learn that a big school like hers was lead by a level-headed, non-man-eating woman. Several guys came up to my friend and spoke to her after class, interested in talking more about their views of women in leadership. The wonderful thing about misperceptions is that they can change when confronted with the truth enough times. It’s hard to hold on to stereotypes and prejudices when you meet person after person who defies your beliefs.

The next day, my friend and I ate lunch while discussing the state of women in leadership in Alabama schools. Yes, we’ve known and worked for some Queen Bees. They have trouble sharing power with others, men and women alike. They belittle others and rule with an iron fist. But we’ve also worked for women we called Aunt Bees. Like Andy’s live-in aunt, they want everyone to be full and happy, regardless of whether that’s a good thing or not. Aunt Bees are so nurturing and grandmotherly that they often find it difficult to hold anyone to account.

My friend and I noticed that the Queen Bees and Aunt Bees we’ve worked for have been both men and women. We noticed that it didn’t seem to matter what gender the leader was, the qualities could be equally applied. True leaders are able to share power and nurture leadership in others, not because they are weak, but because they know that empowerment leads to positive change.

Amy C. Fineburg, PhD, is an assistant principal in Shelby County, Alabama. She holds a doctorate in educational psychology from the University of Alabama and master’s and bachelor’s degrees from Samford University.

“Plan for the years, not for the year.  Think long thoughts.”

Her name was Fannie Exile Scudder Heck.  She developed her leadership style through service to people living in poverty in her home state of North Carolina.  She quickly became known for her way with words, her ability to connect with people, and her impeccable organizational skills.   When Fannie was in her early twenties, national leaders of her Christian denomination chose her to be a cornerstone in the effort to build a national women’s organization that still exists today.  Her writing and her work demonstrate her deep, lifelong commitment to striving for her vision of a more just and caring world.

Fannie Heck’s dedication to working for something that was bigger than she was resonates somewhere deep within me.  Like Fannie, my desire is to live for things and thoughts that will outlast me.  It’s that desire that has made me a passionate supporter of Leading Edge.  The audacity of LEI’s vision for empowering young women to change the face of leadership in Alabama inspires me.

Almost every day, I imagine what a better Alabama would look like.  I imagine what it would be like for my neighbors not to live in poverty.  I imagine how much good could come from governments large and small being truly committed to acting in the best interest of the people rather than self-interest.  I imagine what real community in our communities would look like.

I may never live to see the day when that vision is a reality in Alabama.  In fact, I’m certain that I won’t if I’m the only one working toward the goal.  I’ve always loved Fannie Heck’s mandate to plan for the years, but it’s only recently that I’ve realized that I can’t do that alone.  We need each other.  We need each other for guidance, for perspective, for solidarity.  I’m thankful to know that Leading Edge shares my hope for the future of our state.  Let’s think long thoughts together.

Susan Jones directs the Faith-Based Service and Learning initiatives of Judson College in Marion, Alabama.  She serves on the Board of Directors of Sowing Seeds of Hope, a community-based non-profit working to improve life in the Alabama Black Belt.